The store owner said ‘Swishers only Straight Swishers, dawg.’ No backwoods. Ever.
All Sir Smoke wanted is a backwoods
All Sir Smoke wanted is a backwoods. That’s the setup for These Guys Episode 101, Swishers Only. That’s it. No complicated plot. El Uno and Sir Smoke pull up to the corner liquor store with one mission: Sir Smoke wants to grab backwoods and get on with the session.
The guy behind the counter Hakmeed, Hawaiian shirt, zero patience, is Sacramento’s own comedian D Funk The Legend (@dfunkthelegend). He shuts the whole plan down in four words:
“We don’t fuck with backwoods over here, dawg. Straight Swishers, dawg.”
Welcome to Episode 101.
What Happens: The Counter Standoff
Sir Smoke wants that rustic leaf, that frayed end, something he can pack “four grams in a motherfucker.”
Hakmeed isn’t hearing it. He lays out the menu like it’s a prix fixe: “I got Swisher. I got Hennessy. I got bitches. Tall bitches, short bitches, fat bitches.”
Sir Smoke tries logic: “You can’t roll a Swisher like a BBW.” He’s arguing texture, capacity, tradition. Hakmeed counters with philosophy: “You can’t handle rustic.”
It’s not a debate anymore. It’s a loyalty test. The store has chosen a side, and it’s been Swishers since day one. No backwoods in the humidor, no backwoods under the counter, no backwoods ever.
The clip lives because everyone watching has been in that exact spot, you walk in knowing what you want, and the store tells you who you are instead.
Why Swishers Only Matters Today
This is why 101 hits. Backwoods vs Swishers isn’t about tobacco. It’s a personality test you take every time you roll up.
Swishers are the machine-made workhorse. The brand started in 1861, but Swisher Sweets as you know them dropped in 1958, and by 1964 they were pushing four million cigars a day to all 50 states. Today the company ships more than two billion cigars a year. That’s why every bodega has them, sweet, cheap, consistent, and they seal back up even if you butcher the roll.
Backwoods are the opposite energy. Introduced in 1973 as the “wild and mild” all-natural play, they were built for outdoorsmen ads and that rustic look. The loose roll, the real leaf wrapper, the frayed tip, that’s the feature, not the flaw. It’s also why they’re the go-to for blunts; they are commonly unrolled and rerolled with cannabis.
Hakmeed knows his clientele because he’s lived it. The Sacramento native has 20 years in stand-up and reps the city hard. He isn’t stocking for the internet, he’s stocking for the block. Swishers move. Swishers don’t dry out in the case. Swishers don’t get returned because the leaf cracked. That’s the hustle, knowing what you sell and who you sell to.
Sir Smoke wants capacity. The owner wants turnover. Both are right.
The Bigger Joke
“Straight Swishers, dawg” became instant canon because it’s not just about wraps. It’s about standards. Every smoker has that hill they die on:
- Dutch vs Phillies in the 90s
- White Owl vs Game
- Now: Backwoods vs Swishers
The episode doesn’t pick a winner. It documents the moment your preference gets denied at the register and you have to adapt, argue, or walk. Sir Smoke tries to mediate with the BBW logic and doubles down on the four grams. Hakmeed just repeats the store policy like it’s scripture.
That’s These Guys at its best, no sketch, no setup, just a real conversation that spirals into comedy because everybody’s serious.
Watch The Full Episode
The teaser on the site gives you the quote. The full 101 gives you the back-and-forth, the Hennessy offer, the full “tall, short, fat” breakdown, and Sir Smoke’s desperate pitch for why a Swisher can’t handle a BBW load.
If you’ve ever been told “we don’t carry that,” this one’s for you.
Hailing from Sacramento, Dfunkthelegend blends observational humor with personal anecdotes, often tackling topics like lifestyle choices, relationships, and pop culture. His style is energetic and crowd-focused, with a mix of clean and edgy material